When Friendship Hurts

By Jan Yager, Ph. D.

       As someone who has been researching, writing, coaching, and speaking about friendship for more than two decades, I’ve also received numerous e-mails from people upset about what their friends have done to them. This can involve an action that has disappointed them or an end to the friendship that they do not understand. What I have rarely received, however, is someone admitting that he is not as good a friend as she would like to be.
       What does this have to do with the topic of forgiveness in friendship? Well, to feel that you are not as good a friend as you should be or could be opens up an awareness that perhaps whatever it was that your friend said, or did that slighted you wasn’t done out of malice. For example, the friend who cancels dinner with you because she has just fallen in love and would rather go out with him. It would take a lot more self-awareness than most people have for that friend to also add, “I know I’m being selfish and insecure and even thoughtless, but I hope you’ll understand and forgive me.”
No, instead someone will just say, “I’m sorry but so-and-so asked me out to dinner and I told him “yes” because I knew you’d understand. We’ll make it another time.”
       You may say, “Of course I understand,” but inside you’re seething, angry, hurt, carrying a grudge that might even be the reason the friendship is waning or even ending.
       Putting yourself in your friend’s shoes and seeing the situation from her points of view doesn’t always work. Sometimes it actually backfires since you tell yourself this really bothers you and that you would never do something like that. So how could your friend?
       A more aware person would realize that you and your friend are different and that it could be just those differences that might make your friendship so strong. Yes, there are those who believe that old adage that “birds of a feather flock together” but there are those in the opposite camp who disagree and say: “opposites attract.”
Basically, this column is a plea for forgiveness in friendship. I’m not talking about forgiving those really horrific “crossing the line” type of actions that are so over the top that almost everyone would understand if you did get upset. Like helping your friend plan her wedding but being left off the guest list. Or being used by your friend for opportunistic reasons – what your friend can get out of your friendship – rather than just for being each other’s friends. Or flirting or, worse yet, having an affair with your date or loved one.
      Forgiveness in those situations is certainly possible but that’s asking a lot. I’m suggesting, for starters, that you begin forgiving yourself, or your friend for the little annoyances that can eat away at a friendship. I’m referring to things like the phone call that doesn’t get returned right away. (It turns out your friend was out of town and didn’t remember to tell you.) Or the birthday that’s missed this year. (Your friend is preoccupied with lots of career and personal challenges and it literally slipped her mind.) Letting too much time pass between phone calls or get togethers. (You, or your friend, are just plain overwhelmed by everyone and everything you have to do. Fitting in your friendship just doesn’t seem feasible for now.)
If you are lucky enough to have a close or best friend that goes back to your schooldays or even your childhood, you are fortunate indeed. That friendship is what I call a “nostalgic” friendship and you have to cut those nostalgic friends the most slack because they have known you in a way that no one else could ever know you again. They knew you at five or ten or in your teen years. Even the newer friends you meet at work or through your Mom activities. Those are newer friends but they are there for you at another time in your life when you needed them, and they needed you.
       Friendship requires that two people who are equally committed to making their unique and powerful relationship last. It is based on trust, honesty, mutual liking, and sometimes even shared activities, but most of all shared values. One of those shared values that will take you very far with each and every friendship, including the friendship with yourself, is recognizing and agreeing on the value of forgiveness. That doesn’t mean you let a friend walk all over you if they are mistreating you or ignoring you to a point that is unacceptable. But the next time you want to criticize or express your condemnation at your friend because she let you down, at least try to find out just what was going on in her life that was behind her actions and see if you can forgive her.
       So many people today have to put up with bosses or co-workers they would prefer to leave behind but the tough job market and economy forces them to stay put at least for longer than they would like. Friends and friendship, more than ever, needs to be that safe place where we can be ourselves, where we are appreciated and understood and we are cut some slack.

Dr. Jan Yager is a sociologist, friendship and business expert, coach, speaker, and author of 26 books translated into 24 languages including When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (Simon & Schuster/Fireside, 6th printing, 2009); Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives; Who’s That Sitting at My Desk? Workship, Friendship, or Foe? and the Friendship Journal (a blank lined journal with selected quotes from Friendshifts). Dr. Yager has been interviewed about friendship on Oprah, the View, the Today Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show, Nightline, Sunday Morning, BBC radio, NPR, and other major programs. For more information, go to: www.whenfriendshiphurts.com. Dr. Yager is finishing up a new popular book on friendship, based on original research including her friendship coaching and workshops.

Copyright © 2010 by Jan Yager, Ph.D. All rights reserved. This essay cannot be edited or changted in anyway nor may it be duplicated or reposted without written permission of its copyright holder, Dr. Jan Yager. (Contact information is at Dr. Yager’s website: http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com or http://www.drjanyager.com)

By Jan Yager, Ph.D.

You met at school, or lived nearby, or worked together at your first jobs after graduating. You thought your friendship would last forever but now it’s looking like you have problems that might split up your relationship. What should you do?

1.       Consider what’s happening in your friendship. Is there one specific incident that occurred that is causing the rift or is it a question of drifting apart? Ironically, it can be easier to try to repair a break up because of one incident than if it’s a question of moving in different directions or just no longer having enough in common for both of you to want to keep your friendship going.

2.       It takes two to start and maintain a friendship, but only one to end it. Are you the one who wants to end your friendship, or put it on the back burner, or is it your friend? If you’re the one, can you remind yourself of enough positive attributes about your friendyou’re your friendship to want to maintain it, even if it’s at a lower level of frequency or intimacy? If it’s your friend, do you care enough about your friend and your relationship to invest some time and energy in trying to salvage your relationship?

3.       If you (or your friend) want to try to salvage your friendship, you can try discussing the incident that happened that has caused a problem or even how your relationship has changed over time, if you have been drifting apart, and if there is anything you could both do about that to salvage your friendship. (Emphasize your similarities – shared values, concern for each other, nostalgic memories –  rather than focusing on your career, family, or personality differences? Remind each other how much your friendship means to each of you.) Of course just because you discuss conflicts or changes does not mean you will instantly mend your friendship. But it could be the start to getting your relationship back on track.

4.       Consider working with a friendship coach, individually or as a pair. Or, if you are already seeing a therapist, or in a support group, talk with your therapist, or share in your group, about the challenges in this friendship. Try to get some new insights into what is going on and how to handle it, including your strong feelings about this friendship’s breakdown. (A third party may be able to provide another perspective based on friendship expertise as well as being outside your inner friendship or family circles.)

5.       Take a “time out” from this friendship before making a definitive decision about ending it. Sometimes time and the self-evaluation that goes along with it can help to see people and situations in a different light.

6.       Especially if it still looks like this friendship is not getting back on track, put more time and energy into current friendships that are positive and working for you. If  you mainly have old friends who live far away, work at developing one or more new close or best friends who are supportive as well as fun to be with.

7.       It is possible and even beneficial to have more than one friend. Sometimes you can maintain a relationship with a friend at a lower level of intimacy rather than completely cutting each other out of your live’s. If that is a workable option, consider that possibility although there are some who need a definitive break up to go forward.

8.       Dwell on the positive memories you have with your friend rather than regretting the time you shared. But allow yourself time to grieve for your ended friendship and to feel sad because you miss your friend, especially if this was one of your few very close or best friends, just as you would allow yourself to grieve because someone you love has died. Try to avoid saying or writing anything about your friend and your friendship that you will regret sharing later. (Focus on how the relationship is no longer working for you rather than getting into a shouting match about what’s right or wrong with each other.)

9.       Down the road, whether it’s in a few weeks, months, or even years, be open to revisiting this ended friendship. Your friend, or you, may have changed so that you reconnect and your friendship is as good or even better than before although sometimes the time apart may make it harder to trust as completely as before.

10. If your friendship does end, remind yourself that not every friendship lasts forever, including this one. It does not mean that you are incapable of friendship or that one or both of you did anything wrong. Learn from what happened, cherish your memories, and allow yourself to enjoy other friends as you move on.

Dr. Jan Yager, a sociologist, first started studying friendship while researching singles; she went on to research friendship for her Ph.D. dissertation. She continued that research and is the author of three books on friendship: Friendshifts: the Power of Friendship and How it Shapes Our Lives; When Friendship Hurts; and Who’s That Sitting at My Desk? Workship, Friendship, or Foe? For more on Dr. Yager, a friendship and work coach and speaker, go to: http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com or http://www.drjanyager.com

Copyright © 2009 by Jan Yager, Ph.D.

Welcome to my friendship blog, which is where I will comment on all things about friendship – from problematical friendships to friendship at work, from male and female gender differences in friendship to how to deal with conflicts in a friendship. Sometimes I’ll write about what to do if your friend doesn’t like your romantic partner, and lots of other topics. In upcoming blogs, I’ll also be reviewing articles or books related to friendship as well as movies or plays with a friendship theme.

I’m also happy to answer questions that you might have about friendship so please send your questions my way. My e-mail address is jyager@aol.com. I may not be able to answer questions individually but I will select one from time to time to respond to in this blog. (Please note that by sending a question to me you are granting permission to my anonymous use of your question in an upcoming blog, or anything else I share about friendship including speeches or writings. I’d also like to be able to list what city, state, or country you’re from if that’s okay. So let me know if I have permission to include that information, and your first name, but not your last name.)

Here’s a question I’m often asked by those who read my books or by writers who are researching articles on friendship for magazines, newspapers, or online publications: Is it possible to keep a friendship going even if you find yourself in completely different situations? For example, one friend gets married and has children and her friend remains single. Or you move to different state or even countries. Or if you were friends at work, you switch careers, or at least work situations.

Fortunately, my answer is, “yes!”It’s definitely possible to keep the friends you developed during your formative years, at school, or through work or a shared neighborhood, if you follow some of the suggestions that I discovered in researching my three books about friendship, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS,  FRIENDSHIFTS, and WHO’S THAT SITTING AT MY DESK?, as well as through my work as a friendship coach:

1. Focus on what’s similar about you both rather than emphasizing your differences. For example, if you are married with a baby and your friend is single and childless, go to the movies together and discuss the movie or politics or, if you’re both working, talk about your jobs. If your single friend wants to talk about dating, let her. You should also be able to talk about your baby. The key is showing an interest in each other’s lives even if you seem to have different relationship priorities or experiences.

2. Beware of the “I don’t have enough time” excuse. Of course some are truly busier than others if there are dependent childcare or eldercare responsibilities as well as part-time or full-time work and relationship demands on top of that but most everyone sees herself as busy. If you emphasize that you’re busier than your friend it could backfire in that you are trying to make it sound like your demands are more important than hers. Try to find some time for your friend, whether it’s on the phone or even putting a firm commitment to get together into your appointment books for a couple of weeks down the road. Make a firm plan to get together rather than being too vague where you run the risk that weeks, months, or even years without spending time together turn you into strangers rather than friends. Keep up through e-mails or letters if you cannot talk on the phone or get together in person for a while.

3. Value your friend and your friendship and call just to say hello not just to share your triumphs or your upsets.

4. Allow yourself to have lots of different friends, with varying levels of intimacy — casual, close, or best — and even the “workships” that I have discovered women and men have at work. A “workship” is a term I coined for a relationship that is more than an acquaintance but less than a friend. (I discuss workships in my book, WHO’S THAT SITTING AT MY DESK? WORKSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, OR FOE?) Your life will be richer if you have a range of friends including newer friends as well as companions from childhood and your school years. Be a lot more understanding with your nostalgic friends because the memories you’ve shared are truly irreplaceable. But you still need to treat each other with affection and kindness and not be too demanding.

5. Have fun! Friends are those with whom you are unrelated by blood or legal ties. You and your friends have chosen each other out of all the people in the world to care about. Caring is pivotal, of course, but having fun together is also a goal whether you’re 25, 55, or 85. Plan a girl’s night out, a boy’s weekly basketball game, or even a girl’s night in. Have breakfast or lunch together and catch up on what’s new or take in a movie or a music concert.

6. Cut your friends some slack.

Try not to rush to judgment or be excessively demanding. Your friends’ have other pulls in their life. Rather than bombard a friend with demands or make her feel guilty if she’s busy or temporarily emotionally unavailable to you, cultivate other friendships or relationships that can give you what you need till your friend is more accessible.