When Friendship Hurts

Welcome to my friendship blog, which is where I will comment on all things about friendship – from problematical friendships to friendship at work, from male and female gender differences in friendship to how to deal with conflicts in a friendship. Sometimes I’ll write about what to do if your friend doesn’t like your romantic partner, and lots of other topics. In upcoming blogs, I’ll also be reviewing articles or books related to friendship as well as movies or plays with a friendship theme.

I’m also happy to answer questions that you might have about friendship so please send your questions my way. My e-mail address is jyager@aol.com. I may not be able to answer questions individually but I will select one from time to time to respond to in this blog. (Please note that by sending a question to me you are granting permission to my anonymous use of your question in an upcoming blog, or anything else I share about friendship including speeches or writings. I’d also like to be able to list what city, state, or country you’re from if that’s okay. So let me know if I have permission to include that information, and your first name, but not your last name.)

Here’s a question I’m often asked by those who read my books or by writers who are researching articles on friendship for magazines, newspapers, or online publications: Is it possible to keep a friendship going even if you find yourself in completely different situations? For example, one friend gets married and has children and her friend remains single. Or you move to different state or even countries. Or if you were friends at work, you switch careers, or at least work situations.

Fortunately, my answer is, “yes!”It’s definitely possible to keep the friends you developed during your formative years, at school, or through work or a shared neighborhood, if you follow some of the suggestions that I discovered in researching my three books about friendship, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS,  FRIENDSHIFTS, and WHO’S THAT SITTING AT MY DESK?, as well as through my work as a friendship coach:

1. Focus on what’s similar about you both rather than emphasizing your differences. For example, if you are married with a baby and your friend is single and childless, go to the movies together and discuss the movie or politics or, if you’re both working, talk about your jobs. If your single friend wants to talk about dating, let her. You should also be able to talk about your baby. The key is showing an interest in each other’s lives even if you seem to have different relationship priorities or experiences.

2. Beware of the “I don’t have enough time” excuse. Of course some are truly busier than others if there are dependent childcare or eldercare responsibilities as well as part-time or full-time work and relationship demands on top of that but most everyone sees herself as busy. If you emphasize that you’re busier than your friend it could backfire in that you are trying to make it sound like your demands are more important than hers. Try to find some time for your friend, whether it’s on the phone or even putting a firm commitment to get together into your appointment books for a couple of weeks down the road. Make a firm plan to get together rather than being too vague where you run the risk that weeks, months, or even years without spending time together turn you into strangers rather than friends. Keep up through e-mails or letters if you cannot talk on the phone or get together in person for a while.

3. Value your friend and your friendship and call just to say hello not just to share your triumphs or your upsets.

4. Allow yourself to have lots of different friends, with varying levels of intimacy — casual, close, or best — and even the “workships” that I have discovered women and men have at work. A “workship” is a term I coined for a relationship that is more than an acquaintance but less than a friend. (I discuss workships in my book, WHO’S THAT SITTING AT MY DESK? WORKSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, OR FOE?) Your life will be richer if you have a range of friends including newer friends as well as companions from childhood and your school years. Be a lot more understanding with your nostalgic friends because the memories you’ve shared are truly irreplaceable. But you still need to treat each other with affection and kindness and not be too demanding.

5. Have fun! Friends are those with whom you are unrelated by blood or legal ties. You and your friends have chosen each other out of all the people in the world to care about. Caring is pivotal, of course, but having fun together is also a goal whether you’re 25, 55, or 85. Plan a girl’s night out, a boy’s weekly basketball game, or even a girl’s night in. Have breakfast or lunch together and catch up on what’s new or take in a movie or a music concert.

6. Cut your friends some slack.

Try not to rush to judgment or be excessively demanding. Your friends’ have other pulls in their life. Rather than bombard a friend with demands or make her feel guilty if she’s busy or temporarily emotionally unavailable to you, cultivate other friendships or relationships that can give you what you need till your friend is more accessible.