When Friendship Hurts

By Jan Yager, Ph.D.

You met at school, or lived nearby, or worked together at your first jobs after graduating. You thought your friendship would last forever but now it’s looking like you have problems that might split up your relationship. What should you do?

1.       Consider what’s happening in your friendship. Is there one specific incident that occurred that is causing the rift or is it a question of drifting apart? Ironically, it can be easier to try to repair a break up because of one incident than if it’s a question of moving in different directions or just no longer having enough in common for both of you to want to keep your friendship going.

2.       It takes two to start and maintain a friendship, but only one to end it. Are you the one who wants to end your friendship, or put it on the back burner, or is it your friend? If you’re the one, can you remind yourself of enough positive attributes about your friendyou’re your friendship to want to maintain it, even if it’s at a lower level of frequency or intimacy? If it’s your friend, do you care enough about your friend and your relationship to invest some time and energy in trying to salvage your relationship?

3.       If you (or your friend) want to try to salvage your friendship, you can try discussing the incident that happened that has caused a problem or even how your relationship has changed over time, if you have been drifting apart, and if there is anything you could both do about that to salvage your friendship. (Emphasize your similarities – shared values, concern for each other, nostalgic memories –  rather than focusing on your career, family, or personality differences? Remind each other how much your friendship means to each of you.) Of course just because you discuss conflicts or changes does not mean you will instantly mend your friendship. But it could be the start to getting your relationship back on track.

4.       Consider working with a friendship coach, individually or as a pair. Or, if you are already seeing a therapist, or in a support group, talk with your therapist, or share in your group, about the challenges in this friendship. Try to get some new insights into what is going on and how to handle it, including your strong feelings about this friendship’s breakdown. (A third party may be able to provide another perspective based on friendship expertise as well as being outside your inner friendship or family circles.)

5.       Take a “time out” from this friendship before making a definitive decision about ending it. Sometimes time and the self-evaluation that goes along with it can help to see people and situations in a different light.

6.       Especially if it still looks like this friendship is not getting back on track, put more time and energy into current friendships that are positive and working for you. If  you mainly have old friends who live far away, work at developing one or more new close or best friends who are supportive as well as fun to be with.

7.       It is possible and even beneficial to have more than one friend. Sometimes you can maintain a relationship with a friend at a lower level of intimacy rather than completely cutting each other out of your live’s. If that is a workable option, consider that possibility although there are some who need a definitive break up to go forward.

8.       Dwell on the positive memories you have with your friend rather than regretting the time you shared. But allow yourself time to grieve for your ended friendship and to feel sad because you miss your friend, especially if this was one of your few very close or best friends, just as you would allow yourself to grieve because someone you love has died. Try to avoid saying or writing anything about your friend and your friendship that you will regret sharing later. (Focus on how the relationship is no longer working for you rather than getting into a shouting match about what’s right or wrong with each other.)

9.       Down the road, whether it’s in a few weeks, months, or even years, be open to revisiting this ended friendship. Your friend, or you, may have changed so that you reconnect and your friendship is as good or even better than before although sometimes the time apart may make it harder to trust as completely as before.

10. If your friendship does end, remind yourself that not every friendship lasts forever, including this one. It does not mean that you are incapable of friendship or that one or both of you did anything wrong. Learn from what happened, cherish your memories, and allow yourself to enjoy other friends as you move on.

Dr. Jan Yager, a sociologist, first started studying friendship while researching singles; she went on to research friendship for her Ph.D. dissertation. She continued that research and is the author of three books on friendship: Friendshifts: the Power of Friendship and How it Shapes Our Lives; When Friendship Hurts; and Who’s That Sitting at My Desk? Workship, Friendship, or Foe? For more on Dr. Yager, a friendship and work coach and speaker, go to: http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com or http://www.drjanyager.com

Copyright © 2009 by Jan Yager, Ph.D.